DAY 57: Terror sets in ...

This is my first free-write. Normally, I sketch out my blog posts, then write and edit a couple of times, and finally post it. Tonight is my first time writing off the top of my head. I'm still very serious about keeping my private life private - so I will make sure to maintain some posterity. But tonight I just feel inspired to see what bubbles to the surface in this blog post. 

Living in Washington, D.C. for these past months has been wonderful. If I've spoken with you on the phone, I've mentioned this separation between my 'fake life' and my 'real life'. D.C. has been a delightful dip into a fake life, where I'm a policy analyst for the government who lives in metropolitan D.C. and explores everything (and everyone) via transit and her own two feet. In my fake life, I've rediscovered this girl who is inquisitive, funny, positive, and loves to explore. She isn't restricted by fear or anxiety - she's just excited to be, to see, and to feel. She trusts her intuition and the innate belief that God is watching over and loves her dearly. 

And then there's my real life in Oakland, where I work as a program associate for a non-profit in the East Bay and I stress out about everything. I know how it happened (and it will not be divulged here) but over the past three years, living in the Bay Area, I became this anxious, stressed-out, negative person. I was always worrying about money, about relationships, about something. And while there was these brief moments respite, where I actually was that girl I wrote about above, for the most part, I was anxious and just negative. Looking back, I realize that I lost out on a lot of love and joy in those three years due to persistent anxiety and negativity. 

In two (maybe three) weeks, I'm supposed to return back to California. And I'm so terrified to return home. D.C. has opened my eyes to a lot of negativity in my life. I found out that I have friends in California who love me and have been there for me through everything and I was too blind to realize it. And I found out that I have friends in California who I thought were in my corner but were actually just focused on themselves and their lives. 

And now, I've identified those people who are there for me, who love me, and support me. And I'm trying to encourage and invest in those relationships. And now, I've been (re)introduced to people that I love, that I care about deeply. And while I'm terrified, I want to invest in these relationships as well. 

In D.C. I found my dream again, my passion, my desire. And I'm so scared to lose that sense of purpose, of renewal, of joy. It's been so long since I've felt such energy, such life, such hope for what can happen. *sigh* quite honestly, a part of me doesn't want to return to California ever. But in my heart, I know that I have to return to California. I just need to remember that if I'm faithful, I won't lose sight of myself again. And even though fear tells me that all this joy will leave if I return to California, I know that isn't true. There's too much love and positive energy waiting for me in California for me to lose myself. And most importantly, I'm not willing to lose another three years of my life ... there's too much this inquisitive funny girl needs to do! 

The best gift D.C. has given me is the distance to see myself for who I had become and the space to become who I am meant to be. I write this publicly in part because I need accountability, and most importantly, I need friendships that are positive, that are filled with love, hope, intutiion, and faith. I don't need to think, analyze, doubt or dissect anything anymore and I don't really want that in my life. I want people who are interested in breathing life to surround me. And if you're one of those people, hit me up asap. And if you're just trying to sow doubt ... please just veer out of my life.
So that was intense. I didn't expect that to come out but I'm happy it did. At the end of the day, I trust my heart to express what needs to be said and I believe that's was what needed to come up.

Since I'm a sucker for lightening the mood, below are some funny weekend stories:

Alcohol and D.C.
Drunk people can be hilarious OR they can be annoying (especially if you're the babysitter). This past Friday, I was totally the babysitter which was not that fun. I've found that when you're the babysitter, you end up doing stupid things like drunk dialing people because you're outside on curb waiting for the other person to puke up everything before they get in a cab. But the Friday before last, I was actually a witness to the most hilarious drunk karaoke of Drake's Shot For me. Even though I was drunk, I made it a point to record it because it's so funny! I posted it below, you guys should totally watch it. Forewarning, you'll hear my drunk ass mid-way through, and you'll see some random folks from my internship programs in addition to the master karaoke person. But still, it's hilarious! I watch it now and I still crack up.



God's Country
This Saturday, I went tubing on the Shenandoah River in West Virginia. If you don't know what tubing is, it's basically laying out on a tube and floating along the river (usually with a cooler full of beer). If the words don't help, this picture is pretty much what I did all-day Saturday:



A while ago, the head of my department at the DOT mentioned that North Carolina was God's Country. I haven't been to North Carolina yet, but tubing along the Shenandoah River exposed me to such beautiful lush landscape that took my breath away. I could see the Blue Ridge Mountains in the backdrop, and lush green trees everywhere. It was so amazing and I felt like I was in God's Country. I experienced such peace and joy in this natural vibrant space. The company was great but the landscape spoke to my heart in a profound way. Swimming in the river and then getting back in the tube to view all the beautiful trees around me, I couldn't have asked for a better Saturday. I am officially in love with West Virginia and I know if I stick around D.C., that's one of the first places I will return too.

Unfortunately, I didn't have my camera with me so I didn't get any amazing pictures :( But just imagine being surrounded by this:



Last words, D.C. has been lovely. I'm so grateful for this space and time. And while I'm terrified to return back to California, there is still a sense of excitement to return to the best coast. There are friends I still need to see, loved ones I need to thank, and new discoveries to embrace. Countdown to return back to Oakland commences!

DAY 44: Chanell's Soundtrack June 2012 - August 2012

if my life had a soundtrack for the past couple of months, it would look like this: 

June 

July

August

while this month hasn't happened yet, here's a couple of songs i'm pretty sure will mark my adventures: 

DAY 42: This is the first day of my life

the most private thing i'm willing to admit: i love looking at pictures of johnny depp and winona ryder. they've been broken up for years, but i love how their pictures capture that moment of happiness, of absolute-pure-complete love for one another. they were the most transparent couple and i can't get enough of that transparency. that i'm-so-blissfully-in-love-and-i-don't-care-who-knows presence that exudes from them. 

oddly enough, d.c. has given me hope and appreciation. i didn't realize how narrow the scope of my life had become until i came here. and now, i'm filled with hope for how different my life can be lived. for how much is out there, at my very fingertips. there's a sense of excitement to continue to explore and pursue. i don't want to return to california and do the same thing. i want to fall in love. and i want it to be this type of love. i want to travel to europe. i want to move to a new place. and i want to create a space where i walk in the door and i know i'm at home. i'm externalizing all these very internal pieces for one reason: accountability. i want people to remind me of the largeness that is life, the incredible opportunity we have to not only shape, but to create our dreams! so, please remind me of these things so i can remain present and aware of my heart and what it's calling me to do. 

and after all of that, we now return to our regularly scheduled programming. 

last weekend was cray cray. and yes, i use that word on the regular. and no, i have no shame about it :) 

friday night, i went to the u street corridor and met up with a young woman named kari. a friend in oakland gave me her contact info and said we would have a lot in common. and he was right! she works on climate justice issues for a national partnership - she gets around d.c. by bike (her bike's name is belle) and she's super passionate about social justice! she was such a great person to be around. i also met her friend, lilly, another kindred spirit. she works on social justice issues and also get around d.c. via bike. so we had drinks at tap and parlour and then headed up towards howard to check out another place. that place wasn't happenin' so we went back to u street and got fro-yo*. and then we ended up at tap & parlour. it was SO east coast and i was definitely feelin myself. and i knew i was going to regret the tequila in the morning, but it went down so easy that night! 

after dancing (and singing EVERY east coast song as if i was from the east coast), my new friends and i parted ways. i was heading back to my 'hood in the NE. and then i met some folks who were heading to H street. they invited me to join their crew. and i, always looking out for the next adventure, joined forces with them and headed to H street. so on H street, there are a LOT of bars and dancing, right by my house. and then this new group wanted to go to a salsa club in NW. so i went with them ... except for the bouncer was whack. he wanted to charge a $15 cover at 3am?! i mean, the club closed at 4 ... so i was like, seriously? so we didn't get to check out the salsa club. but it was still an incredibly fun night. the next morning i was exhausted ... but it was great to see the social scene in d.c. 

saturday: i literally stayed at home all day recovering. yeah. tequila is not my friend. in the future, i'm going to just say NO to tequila. 

sunday: literally the BEST day ever. i spent three hours at the natural history museum AND another three hours at the american history museum. after experiencing the gloriousness of these spaces, i now know that the american history museum and the natural history museum are my favorite spaces in d.c. i'm seriously considering quitting my job and finding a new job at the smithsonian as a historian. i'm so so serious. i loved being surrounded by our history, our evolution. even with the crowds, i was able to stay in my suspended state of joy as i took in all the history around me. i would definitely recommend these museums to any d.c.visitors or natives. it's such a treasure to have that space! pictures below! 

thomas jefferson surrounded by all the names of the slaves he owned at monticello 

michelle obama's inaugural gown ... it was the best one there. (and i'm not biased, i swear!) 

a literal cornucopia of images from the different wars we've been involved in! 

one of our earlier species - it's crazy to see how we evolved over time! 

the fossils of a woolly mammoth! i couldn't even get the entire animal in the whole picture! 

this was a SLOTH like 60 million years ago. can you believe the size of this SLOTH??!! 

if you wanted to know: this friday, i spent my night at u street. it was great great fun! i went to this really cool (but packed) reggae club. it was such fun to be present to the music and let my body move with the rhythm! after the reggae club, i went to this other spot called marvins for a minute. and then ended up at tap and parlour. it was more of an old school vibe (think michael jackson when he was still black) and it was booooomb! loved dancing the night away :) AND because i didn't indulge in any tequila, i'm actually functional and ready to write this stupid paper ;) 

post script: today wouldn't be the first day of my life with the help of my friends and family. they have made it possible for me to embrace the freedom that d.c. offers. words cannot express how much each of you means to me. thank you for forcing me to do things that i didn't want to do and for supporting me 110%. you all know who you are. i love you so very much. and i can't imagine life with you. 

expect birthday party attendance, a weepy MOH speech, one (1) drunk night at baobab for the loves of my life. and dinner on me to the family who helped me. 

 

*[sidenote everyone in the south and east coast is obsessed with fro-yo. literally, everyone's always saying, 'you want to get some fro-yo.' i do not understand this obsession!] 

DAY 32: Blisters, Exploration, and Racism - oh my!

Shit has been cray. Seriously. LOVE to Sabaa and Kara for handling things in my absence. And LOVE to Alice for letting me vent, monopolize, and obsess about my life for the past week. AND LOVE to my wonderful parents and sister for holding it down like always! Kara & Sabaa, when I get back to Oakland – I’m going to tap into my inner Wiz Khalifa. This means that DRINKS are on me, HOES are on me, WEED is on me. *Wait, we don’t really need hoes OR weed (I just finished listening to this song on Pandora so I’m feelin myself a bit here. Is it just me or does everyone when listening to rap music start appropriating all the language. It’s probably just me. And this is probably just awkward to read. Especially as a woman, why would I write about hoes in the first place? Ok I’m just to stop overthinking now.) The main point is that everything is on me for one night. And Alice, when I’m in Santa Cruz – it’s all me (absence hoes, weed, and alcohol. Damn you Wiz Khalifa). And mom & dad & Ness, it's all on me. And obviously that means dinner, drinks for dad & Ness, and perhaps a movie afterwards?? :)

Sidebar: I had my midterm assessment on Tuesday and my boss offered me a job at the DOT headquarters in Washington, D.C. Wow! I’m super speechless right now. And I’m lightweight considering it. I mean coming to D.C. for the summer changed my life for the better in so many ways. I’m so grateful to be here and to have the opportunity to change and grow and return to California in a better and stronger headspace. But part of me thinks … maybe I should stay in D.C. and keep the change going.

With the gratitude and awkwardness out of the way (I must blame my own display of awkward on this AH-MAZING show, “The Mis-Adventures of Awkward Black Girl”. I swear on the old gods and the new (Game of Thrones reference anyone?) it is HILARIOUS. Ok I’ll stop with all the sidebars, I now continue with my original post.

First off, I’m beginning to think that long-distance internship program is code for hooking up. I spent Saturday with a couple of guys who felt completely comfortable telling me which girls they were interested in and/or considering pursuing in the program. (And if you’re wondering, I’m not one of them. Considering that I’m a little on the older end for most of these guys, I’m totally okay with that. I’m waiting for the perfect man. And I mean the current contenders for my heart are: Childish Gambino, Pharrell Williams, Edward Norton, and Joseph Gordon Levitt. At this point, I’m aiming for the stars). Anyways, I met an awkward young woman who is already planning out her long-distance relationship with a young man she met here. And I know another guy who’s already met and wooed at least four different girls in the program. And one of my suitemates was cuddling in bed with a guy a couple of nights ago. And I think they actually slept together in my bed last night. I can’t know for sure since I was knocked out on the couch … but I definitely have evidence to suspect it. To be honest, I’m extremely to be the happy observer of all this hooking up. I don’t want superficial moments in time; I want something real that will last forever. And I’m willing to wait for whatever that looks like, I don’t want any more distractions to waste my time.

On a completely different note, last weekend I did everything I wanted to do. The first couple of weeks I was worried about meeting people and connections. But then I realized, I only have five more weeks in D.C and my weekdays are wrapped with work and school projects. That means I have five weekends to do everything I want to do in D.C. YIIIIIKES! So I made up a list of everything I want to experience while I’m here and set out to accomplish it. Here’s a taste of what I did:

Wednesday: NoMa Summerscreen = free movies in the park! The theme is, “Is 2012: The End of the World?” So I went a block from my apartment to a nearby field to watch ‘Ghostbusters’ with neighborhood folks. Added bonus: food trucks and adorable babies. Last Wednesday, I met the cutest two year old and I played with him. He was so friendly and open. He even offered me his mama’s water. I hope he goes to watch Jurassic Park so I can play with him again.

Saturday: I was craving some Shakespeare in my life so I went to a free performance of “All’s Well that Ends Well” by the Shakespeare Theatre Company. The play was incredibly well acted (to the point where I realized how much Helen annoyed me!) And it was lovely to walk home after the play ended – the weather was warm and balmy with a light breeze. Simply beautiful after the 100+ temperatures (with humidity!)

Sunday: I went to the Smithsonian National Museum of the American Indian: one of my favorite museums hands down! The museum has a team of curators from the different tribes throughout the Americas so when you walk through the exhibits, you read about a people’s history and not a conglomerate of Native Americans. I especially loved the seven teachings of the Anishinaabe – they spoke to heart. In this museum, I felt a strong sense of peace and balance (and as cliché as that sounds), I really appreciated and valued the history and teachings of these various cultures. Favorite picture below - it's a shot of the American Indian Building. So creative and distinctive of native cultures. Winner! 

Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum: OMG. This museum was so overwhelming. First off, it was packed. There were so many kids, teenagers, and adults in every exhibit. Any sense of peace I had from the National Museum of the American Indian was stripped in the chaos that is the Air and Space Museum. Second, I realized that I’m not that into aviation. I mean, I checked out all the exhibits – but I definitely wasn’t as engaged as I was with the American Indian Museum. And by the end, I actually felt sad. From the history, we started out as dreamers who wanted to fly above the stars. We wanted to explore the feeling, the sensations, and of course the world. And then once we achieved it, planes quickly became a tool of war. It was sad to watch the dreamers become the planners of war machines. Favorite picture below - it's an actual piece from the Apollo 11 space mission to the moon. 

Smithsonian Castle: There’s not too much to say about this spot – it gave me a good overview of the Smithsonian museum (because they’re 19 of them) AND I did get to see Joseph Smithsonian’s crypt (lightweight creepy that he’s buried at the Smithsonian Castle), but since it’s an information spot, it wasn’t amazing or anything. Favorite picture - obviously, the crypt!

Washington Monument: I made it here when I first arrived in the program and I was taken by the monument’s massive grandiose presence. And I felt exactly the same when I saw it again. Too bad the tours don’t start until 2014. Lame! 

WWII Memorial: I love this memorial. While I’m not the biggest history buff of WWII, I appreciate the idealism that’s evident in this memorial. Quotes are all around it, thanking men & women for their sacrifice and upholding the ideals of freedom & democracy for all. I mean, we know this isn’t true. Many other places were under the weight of imperialism while America’s fighting this war of “freedom” (not to mention that we’re interning Japanese in the midst of our fight for freedom) – so it’s hypocritical. But I think that made me love it all the more. I think I loved it because it was so human. We fail, we fall, we fight – and yet sometimes, we actually do fight and win against evil. (And I could dip my feet in the water – aaaaahhhh relief from the 100 degree temperature!). Ok this doesn't encompass the entire memorial but it does display the best coast! 

Korean War Memorial: After the brightness and open-air quality of the WWII memorial, the Korean War Memorial seems smaller in scale and darker. It’s covered in shade and there are fighting men in rows staring at the enemy. While the WWII memorial conveyed a sense of victory, triumph, and memory – the Korean War Memorial felt much more foreboding. No inspirational quotes – just these men in rows watching you. I quickly lost the idealism I felt at the WWII memorial and felt as if this memorial was telling me: war is not going to end. It continues to manifest and morph throughout history. Picture of the fighting men below: 

Lincoln Memorial: As weird as this is, this was probably my least favorite memorial. I know, it’s iconic (and in all the films) but I just wasn’t feeling it. It could have be the crowds of people on the steps, in the small museum space, or near his feet so you can’t really read and peruse at your leisure. It could have been the fact that the bathrooms are right next to the museum space so when you’re reading his speeches, you smell urine. Or it could be the fact that it felt so cold and dimly light. I suppose in addition, reading his speeches and hearing how reluctant he was to do anything put a damper on things for me. I mean, his end goal was to keep the Union together (which he successfully accomplished) but it bummed me out that there wasn’t any motivation for the human good, the public good to end slavery. #wompwomp --> classic picture below. I want to go at night and sit in his lap. I wonder how late security is there til? 

MLK Memorial: Fantastic (and I’m not just writing that because I’m black) – absolutely loved this memorial. It’s definitely one of my favorites. It really embodies who MLK was and the concept – out of the mountains of despair, hope – really rung true with what he represented. Quotes from his speeches decorate the walls and you have the chance to really read and learn more about who he was at his visitor center (which is NOT located near the bathrooms)! And he’s one of the few activists who has a memorial – I felt such respect for his life and inspiration for what I could do. Definitely a must-go! Below you can see MLK - he stands as a beacon of hope against the mountain of despair (I really should have gotten the mountains of despair but stupid tourists kept taking pictures of themselves between the mountains!)

FDR Memorial: Ok, I’mma keep it real. This memorial is really good, and I’d highly recommend you take the time to go check it out. BUT you don’t need to do a tour by the rangers (which I unfortunately did). If you know presidential history, you’re good to go. And if you don’t, a skim of FDR’s Wikipedia page will give you all the info you needed to know. I mean this ranger took us on a 15 minute tour of FDR’s memorial and I was baking in the 100+ degree weather. Worse, I knew the entire history on FDR already so the tour didn’t reveal much (other than having me stand in the heat for 15 minutes). UGH! So then after he gave us the ‘tour’ I had to go back through the memorial and take pictures of what stood out in my mind. The memorial is set up in landscape format where you can walk through FDR’s four terms and see how he evolved. I loved the layout! Picture below shows the Great Depression - the poor farmers on the left and the breadline on the right. 

Jefferson Memorial: Hands down this was my favorite memorial. And as a black woman, I understand if you’re like, “that shit cray Chanell.” But when I went into his museum space and read his writings, I was struck by his humanity. All the other memorials talked about the presidents and MLK in this mythical fashion, it was hard to believe that Abraham Lincoln actually existed. But Jefferson, he was different. At his museum, the tensions and hypocrisy that he struggled with betrayed how human he was. And when I walked up into his memorial, it was very open and spacious – and then you see this huge statue of Thomas Jefferson. I just felt like his memorial captured him very well. Picture of Jefferson standing among his well-known sayings below: 

And that’s how I spent Sunday – a six mile trek through American history. I’m so happy that I did it because I wanted to tackle all of this BUT my feet were killing me. Note to self: do not wear flip flops on a six mile expedition. I have a huge blister on my second toe and I literally couldn’t walk the rest of the night. But it was most definitely worth it. Google map below if you want to see how much I did in 100+ degree heat. Yeah, I know. I'm awesome. 

View Larger Map

Now, I can move onward, feeling that I hit up a good part of D.C. history (although I still have to go to Arlington Cemetery). Friday night I’m having drinks with a D.C. native on U Street. And on Saturday or Sunday, I plan to hit up the Natural History Museum, the American History Museum, and the African-American History Museum. I’m realizing that I only have five weeks in D.C. before I come home. I’m definitely in a hurry to see EVERYHING before I go!


Post Script on Racism:  I’m amazed at the blatant racism and ignorance I encounter here. When I was on the FDR tour, our tour guide said ‘Jap’ and then quickly corrected himself to say ‘Japanese’ when he was talking about the Japanese internment camps that FDR issued. And his philosophy on the internment camps boggled my mind. He said FDR issued internment camps for the Japanese because the Japanese attacked us whereas the Germans, Italians, and Russians did not. Really? Apparently racism did not play a role in the internment camp decision *sarcasm is literally dripping from my pores as I write this* Also, when I was at the Lincoln Memorial, a grandmother was telling her grandchildren about her father’s father who fought in the Confederacy but when the war was over, all the ‘masters’ gave their slaves 40 acres and a mule. Really? What alternative universe am I in? I met a young woman from Boston who hates Californians and tall people. And I’m not even sure why she hates Californians?! I met another woman last night who said, “Chanell, I don’t know how I feel about you talking to Canadians as if they’re human.” Both the Canadian and I looked at her in shock. I guess this was a joke but neither one of us got the punch line. One of my roommates (the one from Alabama) said, “I love the children who are mixed with Asian and White – as long as they don’t get the squinty eyes.” OMG. Where am I? Like seriously, people still think its ok to say ‘squinty eyes’??

OMG in moments like this, I can’t wait to get back to California. Only 38 more days til I fly back to Oakland --> holy shit, it's that soon? Wheeeeee! And, I really need to step up my D.C. game!!