DAY 14: InspəˈrāSHən

Sidebar: Yes, this is one of those deeper introspective posts. I'm not totally sure how I feel about these types of posts. I always debate between being authentic with an audience and maintaining some personal private sense of self (which is why I stopped blogging in the first place). But from the concept of being transparent in my time in D.C. I've decided to post this blog, which reveals a bit more intimacy than previous posts. 


One of the great (and also horrible) things about being outside of your element is the fact that you become much more aware and alert to you. You can see the places of dysfunction clearer, as if you're looking into a mirror, because your natural shields of protection are no longer there. And homesickness takes on a whole new element when you're the fish out of water. So, this post is a few of my favorite things (and just so you know, favorite doesn't mean great) that I've learned in the past two weeks.

Homesickness is inherently a solitary experience. 

Wednesday, I had a horrific bout of homesickness. It started out as boredom and then morphed into this painful 'other' feeling. I found myself pacing outside in our patio area (where I've received many a mosquito bite!) struggling with this overwhelming desire to be home. I just wanted to be surrounded by my things, my friends, my life. I called friends, hoping for an abatement from this 'thing' that I couldn't even associate with myself. But then I realized calling friends in California when you're suffering from homesickness is awful, it's tangible proof of what you can't have. After the phone calls ended, I just realized how much homesickness separates you from everything. It's as if you're marooned on an island screaming for help and then when it does come, you can't get on board because you've become so introverted into yourself and your pain. And as I write this, I realize that I'm not saying I won't ever become homesick again but I want to avoid indulging it as much as possible. I'm only in D.C. for eight more weeks and I don't want to spend my precious few weeks wasting away over California. I came here because I wanted to  immerse myself in another space and when I get homesick, it's so hard to do that. So my plan to mitigate the emotional effects of homesickness is: when I feel it coming on, I'm just going to remind myself of all the reasons I came to DC and all the things that I want to do while I'm here (like head to NYC or visit the Zoo or go to as many Smithsonian Museums possible). I think this process will help ground me when I feel blue.

I hate pain and I'm a sucker for instant gratification. 

Before I came to D.C. I knew that I hated any type of pain and was always looking for a way to medicate or take the edge off the pain. I mean, if you've ever seen me in physical pain, you know I'm always in search of some medication to get rid of the symptoms ASAP. What I didn't realize is how much this hatred of pain extended into my emotional life. In addition to the homesickness on Wednesday, Thursday I got some pretty bad news. Everything that I feared happening had happened. True to form, when the pain hit - all I wanted to was to find something, anything to make it go away. And with emotional pain, I've found that I'm always quick to go to significant others to make the pain go away. And while I've definitely had a friend to help me work through the repercussions of this bad news, being in D.C. has meant that I had to deal with pain and the hurt that came along with this news. I couldn't immerse myself into a relationship to numb the pain (which is what I usually do), I just had to deal with the emotions head on. And I'm realizing that D.C. has given me this opportunity to confront, to feel, to work through my emotions and to find my own resolutions. And I have to admit, I'm kind of excited to work through my heart and make my own peace instead of relying on someone else to give me peace.

Post Scripts 

So I absolutely cannot end on these deeper introspective notes - so here are a couple of fun stories/pictures to show you that it's not all depth and introspection. 

1. I met an woman named Ebony on the Metro - she's from Baltimore. She evokes a strong sense of Southern down-home-everyone-is-welcome-to-the-table. She's a congregator (I don't know if this is a word but I'm going to use it), she invites everyone and anyone to her house and is so hospitable. Through her, I've been able to connect with more interns in my program AND play a few games of shit-talking Spades. There's plan for a group of us to go out tonight and I'm excited to continue to explore D.C. 

2. Allergy relief! For the past two weeks, I've struggled with some of the worst allergies ever! I mean, my nasal passages were so swollen that I couldn't even breathe. It was hell. And then I went to this primary care clinic and the doctor (who was a bit touchy-feely) prescribed three different allergy meds that have given me such relief! One nasal spray is to reduce the swelling, the other nasal spray is to reduce the sneezing, runny nose, and coughing, and the pills are to stop my itchy eyes. OMG it is such a pleasure to breathe and not think about your nose being a faucet! I will take Dr. McFeely any day over these horrible allergies! 

Well I can't believe I've been here two weeks already - time is going by faster than I expected (even with bouts of homesickness)! On Monday, I'll have a private tour of the Capitol and then this weekend, I'm heading to Atlantic City for casinos and beaches. And now that I have brand-new laptop at work (yes, I now have a laptop that I can use at home to telework if I'd like too) my boss is excited to give me more and more work to do. I'm expecting to be busy exploring and experiencing and I'll definitely document them all. Thanks to all the folks reading, thinking, and praying for me, I really really appreciate it!